Saturday, September 17, 2011

Some not so good news

I had my doctors appointment yesterday to follow up on my progress since surgery.  I went in with a positive attitude and took the 2 hour drive to see my doctor.  I got there and he was running late, not a big deal to me since most doctors don't run on time at all anymore, and I sat there and caught up on my magazines and newspapers throughout the office.  2 hours later I finally get called back (the staff at this office is amazing) and patiently wait to see my doctor.  He comes in and we talk a little bit and then we start with the tests.  These I enjoy and hate.  It's a little plastic stick in different thickness/strength and I close my eyes while he pokes each finger and I saw which finger he's touching.  I get excited and happy when I can feel anything on my ring or pinky fingers - this means progress.  But during the tests yesterday I couldn't feel anything at all on my pinky finger - with any of the different levels.  :(

Then he proceeds to take out the safety pin and I have to tell him if he's touching my hand with the sharp end or the dull end (eyes closed again on this one).  He jumps around from finger to finger, having me say if it's sharp or dull.  Moments of silence pass and I know that he is probably on my pinky finger and I can't feel anything he's doing.  Silence still going on and he flips my hand over and does the same on the top of the hand....nothing.  Let me tell you, when you are sitting there waiting for your doctor to say something to you, it's scary and heartbreaking.  He tells me to open my eyes and the look on his face is not good.  He goes through my chart and re-reads some things and then says he's not sure why half of my nerve is working and half of it isn't - meaning that why can i feel some things in my ring finger and nothing in my pinky finger.  He says nerves are never a guarantee, that it might be permanent, and that this is now a waiting game. I got an order for more OT to help build up my strength back and I have to go back in a month. 

I leave the office, get in my car and just start to cry, something I didn't want to do in the office.  I hate going to these appointments alone lately, always getting bad news and it's taking it's toll on me. But at the same time I would hate to ask someone in my family to take a day off of work to go with me, and being single right now and having no boyfriend to console me either (lets face it, sometimes there's nothing better than a hug from a man who cares about you) means I go to these things alone.  I text my family and some close friends and post on Facebook for those friends that don't live close to me who are always checking in on me, and I start my long drive home and as always get stuck in traffic.  One of my best friends calls me and I answer and start to cry with her on the phone.  It's so frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time.  The possibility of never feeling my pinky again is really scary and I'm way too young for this to happen to me to be out of the work world for the rest of my life.

When I finally got back to the area I live in, I stopped at my favorite local bar.  I couldn't go home to an empty house.  I had a beer, talked with some people and waited for one of my sisters to text me that they were going home.  People were calling me and texting me while I was at the bar and I couldn't answer....if I did I would start to cry and didn't want to do that again.  But when I got home my mom called and I lost it on the phone with her and started again.  Needless to say, I'm a mess right now.  Trying to wrap my head around things and still trying to hope for the best.  I apologize for a sad, non-baking post. 

No comments:

Post a Comment